Welcome to Space Gay Hell
by Clairebear155
Summary: Keeler tells Abel to set up a Skype chat for his assigned team, for bonding purposes. Sure, they bond, but not exactly in the way that Keeler had in mind. (Also posted on archive of our own)
1. Chapter 1

_June 3rd, 2016_

9:30 A.M.

 _Abel has created Team Building Chat_

 _Abel has added Cain, Deimos, Phobos, Praxis, Ethos, Helios, and Selene._

 **Abel:** Hey guys, Keeler said that doing something like this would strengthen us as a team.

 **Helios:** Cool!

 **Cain:** the hell is this

 **Cain:** when did we get this skype shit

 **Cain:** what even is this

 **Phobos:** Maybe if you listened to the CO you'd know what's going on, shit-for-brains.

 **Cain:** you wanna fight? I can take your scrawny navigator ass

 **Cain:** meet me in the pit and fite me

 **Ethos: ...** Isn't it 'fight'? (・・ ) ?

 **Cain:** i can fite you too you overgrown hair floof

 **Praxis:** Leave Ethos alone, Cain.

 **Cain:** hey look who showed up

 **Cain:** its pirate himself

 _Praxis's nickname is now Pirate._

 _Ethos's nickname is now overgrown hair floof._

 **Pirate:** Cain so help me I'm going to beat your fucking ass in PT today.

 **Cain:** calm your fucking tits it wasnt me

 **overgrown hair floof:** Guys, I think you should stop fighting. Abel said this was a team building exercise

(´｡• ω •｡`)

 **Abel:** Yeah, it is.

 **Phobos:** Well you guys all suck

 _Phobos has left the chat._

 **overgrown hair floof:** Hey, should we add Phobos back? He is part of the team, technically

 **Cain:** nah let him be a pussy ass princess

 **Cain:** we dont need him anyway

 **overgrown hair floof:** ┐('～`;)┌ okay then.

 _Abel has added Phobos to the chat._

 **Abel:** Phobos, you can't just leave the chat whenever you want.

 **Phobos:** Yes I can. Just watch me.

 _Phobos has left the chat._

 **Pirate:** Just leave him alone. I'm pretty sure he's going to come back later.

 **overgrown hair floof:** I have to go study the Colteron's organisms, be back later, guys.

 **Pirate:** have fun studying those orgasms.

 **Pirate:** SHIT. I mean orgasms.

 **Cain:** what the shit do they have you guys looking at on the bridge

 **Cain:** fucking teron porn or something

 **Abel:** CAIN NO

 **Abel:** WE DO ACTUAL WORK

 **Pirate:** Sorry, my depth perception is fucked i can't hit the right keys.

 **Cain:** lame excuse pirate

 **Pirate:** Okay I want my name changed back

 _Cain's nickname is now Fuckboi666_

 **Pirate:** Haha. Nevermind, this is good.

 **Fuckboi666:** alright that shit aint funny

 **Fuckboi666:** hoever the fuck that was change it back

 **Selene:** whoever*

 **Fuckboi666:** same thing, ur all hoes u grammar nazi

 **Selene:** You're, and you. Please type like a decent human being.

 **Selene:** And for the record, I'm part Indian.

 **Abel:** I apologize for him, Cain is an ass.

 _Selene's nickname is now grammar Indian_

 **Grammar indian:** CAIN THAT IS NOT FUNNY. CHANGE IT BACK.

 **Fuckboi666:** it wasnt me you fucktard

 **Fuckboi666:** and if it was me i wouldve changed my own name back by now

 **Helios:** hey bois waddup.

 **Grammar indian:** Boys* and what up*

 **Helios:** Selene? Is that you man? This is great.

 **Grammar indian:** Yes, it's me. Cain changed my name.

 **Fuckboi666:** for the last time it wasnt me who changed ur goddamn name

 _Helios's nickname is now Helium_

 **Helium:** what the fuck, cain

 **Fuckboi666:** it wasnt me for fucks sake

 _Abel added Keeler to the chat._

 **Abel:** Just read up, and you'll see how much of a good team exercise this has been.

 **Keeler:** sweet baby jesus on a stick

 _Abel's nickname is now Yes Daddy harder._

 _Keeler's nickname is now Daddy._

 **Daddy:** I would like to say 1) Encke deserves this name, not me, 2) you guys need to be better teammates, and 3) _who is changing all the fucking names_

 **Fuckboi666:** did a superior officer just swear in front of us

 **Fuckboi666:** fucking scandalous

 **Helium:** we all think its cain whos changing the names

 **Fuckboi666:** well it isnt me otherwise id have changed my own name

 _Daddy has added Phobos to the chat._

 _Daddy has left the chat._

 **Phobos:** tf

 **Phobos:** You guys are all idiots, you know that?

 **Phobos:** And Abel, you're a double idiot.

 **Phobos** : You wanna know who was changing the names?

Fuckboi666: yES

 **Phobos:** Fucking Deimos, that's who

 **Phobos:** I can see his screen from here, that little fucker

 **Deimos:** I would say i'm sorry but i'm not.

 _Phobos's nickname is now Slut keep ur mouth shut_

 **Slut keep ur mouth shut:** See, it's Deimos.

 **Fuckboi666:** Deimos change my fucking name back

 **Deimos:** #yolobitch

 _Fuckboi666's nickname is now fITE ME M8_

 **Deimos:** I changed it.

 **fITE ME M8:** you little shit

 **overgrown hair floof:** Hey guys! I'm back! ヽ(・∀・)ﾉ

 **overgrown hair floof:** Oh God, what happened while I was gone? 〣( ºΔº )〣

 **Pirate:** Deimos is the name changer

 **Pirate:** Speaking of which, Deimos, can you change my name back now?

 _Pirate's nickname is now Praxis._

 **fITE ME M8:** YOULL CHANGE HIS NAME BUT NOT MiNE

 **fITE ME M8:** WHY? UR ONE OF MY BITCHES

 _Grammar indian's nickname is now Selene._

 _Yes Daddy harder's nickname is now Abel_

 _Helium's nickname is now Helios_

 **fITE ME M8:** FUK U

 _Slut keep your mouth shut's nickname is now Phobos you hoe_

 **Phobos you hoe:** REAL MATURE, DEIMOS.

 **fITE ME M8:** deimos you have three fuckin minutes before i come over and shove my entire foot up your ass

 **Helios:** Considering the way I've seen him look at you he might enjoy that

Praxis: I got to go.

 _Helios's nickname is now BITCH WHAT._

 _Praxis's nickname is now Pirate._

 **Deimos:** That was not me.

 **BITCH WHAT:** its kinda obvious it was you deimos

 _Deimos's nickname is now DIEmos._

 **DIEmos:** who did that?

 _overgrown hair floof's nickname is now Ethos_

 **Ethos:** Uhh, it was Phobos (⊙_⊙)

 **Phobos you hoe: *** Cain's excuse*

 **fITE ME M8:** what the fuck is that supposed to mean

 **Phobos you hoe:** It means that I'm too lazy to reiterate the fact that if it was me who changed Deimos's name then I would've changed mine back first

 **fITE ME M8:** fuck off

 **DIEmos:** Ethos.

 **Ethos:** Yes?

 **DIEmos:** this means war

 _Ethos's nickname is now Pirate Wench_

 _DIEmos's nickname is now Deimos._

 **Pirate Wench:**!

 _Deimos's nickname is now guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal._

 **Phobos you hoe:** It's true. He does.

 **fITE ME M8:** holy shit deimos does what now

 _Phobos you hoe sent an image_

 **fITE ME M8:** holy shit he does

 **fITE ME M8:** deimos you fucking liar

 **Guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal:** What?! Its not true.

 **Phobos you hoe:** Ethos, how did you know?

 **Pirate Wench:** You wanted me to go get your tablet from your room, and when I went in to go get it there was this stuffed hippo very badly hidden under a pillow

 **Pirate Wench:** It's also your homescreen (=⌒‿‿⌒=)

 **fITE ME M8:** wait whut.

 **BITCH WHAT:** BITCH WHAT

 **Selene:** it was unnecessary to say that out loud as well as type it

 **Guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal:** well ethos has this bonsai tree named herbert that he and pirate co-parent

 **Pirate Wench:** It's a tree, not a _stuffed hippo_

 **Pirate:** That's a lie.

 **Selene:** No it's not, when I walked Ethos back to his room and he opened the door he showed it to me. Besides Ethos isnt denying it.

 **Pirate Wench:** Praxis, Herbert is a tree. It's fine. It's not like we sleep with Herbert, unless you have something to tell me

 **Pirate:** I don't sleep with Herbert. He is my son.

 **Pirate:** There was that once when I fell asleep on the desk next to him but that's it

 **fITE ME M8:** you and the hair floof have a tree for a kid

 **fITE ME M8:** well isnt that domestically endearing

 _Pirate's nickname is now Tree daddy._

 _Pirate Wench's nickname is now Mommy kink probs._

 **Guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal:** that wasn't me

 _Phobos you hoe's nickname is now Queen Bitch._

 **Queen Bitch:** This is my fucking kingdom now

 **fITE ME M8:** oh shit Encke just pmed me, gtg later bitches.

 **Tree daddy:** Abel you should totally change the background on his tablet

 **Abel:** To what?

 **Abel:** Any suggestions?

 **Selene:** Helios just whispered "Dis dick."

 **BITCH WHAT:** Omfg Selene I did not

 _BITCH WHAT's nickname is now DIS DICK_

 **DIS DICK:** DEIMOS NO CHANGE IT

 **Guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal:** It wasn't me this time

 **Mommy kink probs:** Speaking of name changes, Deimos, you still haven't changed your's back yet

 **Mommy kink probs:** Does that mean you're not denying that fact anymore? |･ω･)

 _Guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal's nickname is now Die Ethos._

 **Die Ethos:** You're still Mommy kink probs. Is that true?

 **Queen Bitch:** You'd know all about his kinks don't lie.

 _Die Ethos's nickname is now Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals_

 **Tree Daddy:** Yes, and?

 **fITE ME M8:** holy shit, i came back at a great time.

 **fITE ME M8:** you actually do threesomes?

 **Tree Daddy:** I never said that.

 **Tree Daddy:** But at least I know how to share, unlike you, Cain

 **Queen Bitch:** Holy shit. And I thought Ethos was a virgin. I was kidding about them sleeping together.

 **Mommy Kink probs:** Why does everyone think I'm a virgin? (・_・;)

 **fITE ME M8:** dude you look like the literal definition of 'cinnamon roll, too pure'

 _Mommy Kink probs's nickname is now The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise._

 **Abel:** Guys its lunch, eat.

 **DIS DICK:** Abel is right tbh

 **Queen Bitch:** We'll be back after we eat the shit the Alliance calls food. I wanna hear more of this shit. And Ethos, we need to talk.


	2. Chapter 2

_June 3rd 2016_

 _3:02 P.M._

 _The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise added Encke to the group chat._

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Oh sorry Encke, I didn't mean to add you!

 **DIS DICK:** YOU ADDED ENCKE TO THIS CHAT

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** shit

 **fITE ME M8:** Men, men settle down. There is a lady in the room

 **Encke:** It's funny, even with the nicknames I know exactly who is who.

 _Encke's nickname is now Ms. Lady Dick_

 **Ms. Lady Dick:** Cain.

 **Ms. Lady Dick:** Change it back, or I'm going to fucking turn your ass inside out.

 **fITE ME M8:** IT WASNT ME I FUCKING SWEAR

 _Ms. Lady Dick's nickname is now Encke you buzz kill_

 **Encke you buzz kill:** Cain, say your last words.

 _Encke you buzz kill has left the chat_

 **fITE ME M8:** IT WASNT ME

 **DIS DICK:** RIP CAIN

 _DIS DICK HAS NOW CHANGED THE CHAT NAME TO RIP CAIN_

 **Abel:** There goes Cain, fuck.

 **Queen Bitch:** What happened?

 **Abel:** Encke came and pounded on our door until Cain opened it, and then Encke yanked Cain out.

 **Abel:** I kind of feel bad…

 **Queen Bitch:** ….About what?

 **Abel:** Oh, nothing.

 _3:45 P.M._

 **DIS DICK:** so can someone change my name back now?

 **DIS DICK:** Selene can't stop laughing whenever he remembers about it

 **Selene:** You brought it upon yourself, when Abel asked for wallpaper changes. Actually, we never found out what he changed it too.

 **Abel:** And I'm very sure you don't want to know.

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** I want to know.

 **Abel:** Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

 _June 3rd, 2016_

 _3:50 P.M._

 _Abel sent an image._

 _Abel sent an image._

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** abel holy shit

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** i cant believe that wtf

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** and i thought ethos was the one who looked innocent but is a total freak

 _June 3rd, 2016_

 _3:52 P.M._

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** sweet baby jesus

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** for the love of god never fuck with abel

 **fITE ME M8:** too late, i've already done it

 **fITE ME M8:** multiple, multiple times.

 **Queen Bitch:** God, you're so nasty, Cain.

 **DIS DICK:** I second that notion

 **Tree Daddy:** I third that notion

 **Selene:** Quadruple

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Quintuple!

 **fITE ME M8:** you have absolutely no right to speak to me about shit like this

 **fITE ME M8:** just look at your name

 **Queen Bitch:** Sorry Ethos, but I have to agree with Cain on this

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** But Phobos! We're Navigators! You're supposed to be with me on this one!

 **Queen Bitch:** I only have Porthos

 **Queen Bitch:** You have Praxis _and_ Deimos

 **Abel:** *COUGH COUGH* COOK *COUGH COUGH*

 **Queen Bitch:** Okay

 **Queen Bitch:** Shut your mouth

 **DIS DICK:** You did what now

 **DIS DICK:** holy shit phobos that is just

 **Selene:** ….Says you, Helios.

 **DIS DICK:** OKAY SELENE NO THAT WAS ONCE

 **DIS DICK:** AND I DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE

 **DIS DICK:** YOU CANT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT

 **fITE ME M8:** is there something going on here or….

 **Selene:** I'm not going to say a word about it.

 **Selene:** Helios, on the other hand, can say anything he wants about it.

 **DIS DICK:** selene no how could you do this to me

 **Queen Bitch:** Okay, I think I know what's going on here.

 **DIS DICK:** oh god please dont tell them

 _June 3rd, 2016_

 _4:00 P.M._

 **Queen Bitch:** So, Helios.

 **Queen Bitch:** Do you want to talk about it?

 **DIS DICK:** God no

 **DIS DICK:** Just thinking about it, eugh

 **DIS DICK:** you know what i need to go take a shower to wash off all of the filth and regret of a very bad life choice

 **Queen Bitch:** Wow, that must've been terrible. I am actually sincerely sorry about what happened.

 **DIS DICK:** coming from you that is super nice? Thank you?

 **Queen Bitch:** No problem. If you ever need help about it, you can come talk to me, alright?

 **DIS DICK:** im screenshotting all of this

 **DIS DICK:** you actually have feelings omg

 **Queen Bitch:** You just ruined the moment.

 _June 3rd, 2016_

 _4:55 P.M._

 **DIS DICK:** okay im back now

 **Abel:** Where'd you go?

 **Selene:** He went to go shower for practically an hour

 **DIS DICK:** uh yeah

 **fITE ME M8:** and i thought abel took a long ass time in the shower

 **Abel:** Cain, it was fifteen minutes. Fifteen. Minutes.

 **Queen Bitch:** You guys should get a room so we don't have to listen to your old married couple bickering.

 **fITE ME M8:** phobos were in our room rn stfu

 **Queen Bitch:** What even was that? Is that English? Or is it your weird colonial tongue?

 **fITE ME M8:** i can and will fite you phobos

 **Queen Bitch:** I'm so scared.

 _June 3rd, 2016_

 _5:30 P.M._

 **fITE ME M8:** the fuckre you

 **fITE ME M8:** you werent in your room wtf

 **Selene:** That's either fucker* or fuck're*

 **DIS DICK:** and you broke into phobos's room?

 **Queen Bitch:** Cain, there are no-Fighter zones on this ship. Currently, I am in one of them.

 **Selene:** I watched him trail his sugar daddy into his office.

 **Selene:** I don't want to think about that what they're doing in there.

 **Queen Bitch:** I can't believe you told them that.

 **fITE ME M8:** oooh someones getting laid

 **fITE ME M8:** and by fucking cook too

 **Queen Bitch:** Shut up, Cain.

 **fITE ME M8:** but you havent denied it so

 **Tree Daddy:** I'm not even going to ask.

 **Selene:** Good idea.

 **Queen Bitch:** I'm not fucking Cook!

 **fITE ME M8:** well what about the other way around

 **Queen Bitch:** Not that way either! I'm talking to him, you nasty-minded freak!

 **Abel:** And Cain, Navigators go visit Cook all the time, whether it be for assignments or whatever. Maybe Phobos has a new mission.

 **Queen Bitch:** That and Cain can't get in here.

 **Tree Daddy:** Selene called Cook Phobos's 'sugar daddy'

 **Queen Bitch:** He is not my sugar daddy, fucking hell. If he was then let's just say I wouldn't be within a five hundred mile distance of Abel. Or Cain.

 **fITE ME M8:** oh come on you dont hate me that much

 **DIS DICK:** hey guys where'd ethos go?

 **DIS DICK:** and deimos?

 **Selene:** Helios, I love you, but please, use your brain for once.

 **DIS DICK:** ….oh.

 **DIS DICK:** ew i wish i had never asked that

 **Tree Daddy:** Cain, don't you dare say anything.

 **fITE ME M8:** holy shit are you psychic or something

 **fITE ME M8:** i was just about to say shit

 **Tree Daddy:** No, but I know you well enough that you were going to give me shit about it.

 _Tree Daddy's nickname is now Psyxis_

 **Psyxis:** What the fuck.

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** well it makes some sense

 **fITE ME M8:** shouldnt you be sleeping with the fruity navigator

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** what makes you say that?

 **fITE ME M8:** read up dipshit

 _5:40 P.M._

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** oh

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** helios go suck a dick

 **Selene:** I want to say something about that, but I won't.

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Wow, and you guys think I'm the freak.

 **Selene:** Ethos, look at your nickname. Then look at my comment. There's a big difference between the two.

 **Queen Bitch:** Everyone here but Abel, Praxis, and myself are freaks. End of discussion.

 **Abel:** Wow. You're being nice to me.

 **Queen Bitch:** Statement redacted, Abel is the biggest freak out of all of us.

 **fITE ME M8:** its true. boi wants many fuckers.

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** twenty credits say helios has slept with more people than abel and phobos combined

 **DIS DICK:** DEIMOS NO

 **fITE ME M8:** is there something we dont know about you

 **DIS DICK:** NO DEIMOS DOESNT KNOW WHAT HES TALKING ABOUT

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** helios pls im pretty sure that aside from abel phobos and praxis uve slept with everyone else

 **Psyxis:** Again, what the fuck.

 **Abel:** Um, let's not talk about this?

 **Queen Bitch:** Abel, omg, did you cheat on Cain with another Fighter? How scandalous!

 **fITE ME M8: …..** i wouldnt call it cheating

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** And you guys think I'm the nasty one.

 **Abel:** In my defense,

 _5:48 P.M._

 **Queen Bitch:** Abel, you never finished your sentence.

 **fITE ME M8:** hes quietly whispering something about helios having more than one threesome

 **fITE ME M8:** and im slightly disturbed that he knows this

 _DIS DICK's nickname is now BOI BEEN FUCKING._

 **BOI BEEN FUCKING:** cain shut up

 **BOI BEEN FUCKING:** pls dont make this worse

 **Queen Bitch:** I can't believe that you've had more than one threesome with Cain, of all people.

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** he's had three involving cain

 **BOI BEEN FUCKING:** deimos i will gut you in your sleep

 _BOI BEEN FUCKING has left the chat._

 **Abel:** Should we add him back? I kinda feel bad now.

 **Selene:** I got to go. It's Helios. He's…..nvnefhvfjsdj

 **Queen Bitch:** Selene. What the fuck.

 _Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals' nickname has been changed to Deimos._

 **Deimos:** ive been meaning to do that for a while

 **fITE ME M8:** yeah will you change mine back now

 **Deimos:** nope

 **fITE ME M8:** i hate you

 **Queen Bitch:** For the second time, get a room already.

 **Deimos:** we are in rooms, just not in the same one

 **Queen Bitch:** I will throw you out of our room, Deimos. I seriously fucking will.

 **Abel:** Wow, he actually did.

 **Psyxis:** How do you know?

 **Abel:** Well Deimos is sitting in Cain's bed now, with his tablet, and typing away.

 **fITE ME M8:** deimos is doing what now

 **fITE ME M8:** that little shit

 **Abel:** Yeah, you might want to get back to the bunk before he starts making a blanket nest-

 **Abel:** Nevermind, you're too late.

 **Psyxis:** Ethos and I can hear Cain angrily screaming and sprinting down the hallway.

 _6:00 P.M._

 **Deimos:** I'm sitting in Abel's bed now. Alone.

 **Abel:** Yeah, when Cain came in he pulled me into his lap and now he's going to talk through my tablet I guess. Deimos is the third wheel since Phobos kicked him out.

 **Queen Bitch:** I regret nothing.

 **Abel:** phobos take ur fighter back now

 **Abel:** i cant do stuff with abel with him in here

 **Psyxis:** Cain, tmi.

 **Queen Bitch:** #yourestuckwithhimnow, #suckituploser

 **Abel:** Did you actually just use hashtags like that?

 **Queen Bitch:** #FUCKOFFABEL

 **Deimos:** #Phoboshasnoclass

 **Queen Bitch:** #Deimoscangosuckadick

 **Psyxis:** #Bothofyoucanactlikeadults

 **Deimos:** #GOAWAYPIRATE

 **Queen Bitch:** #NOWEARETINYCHILDREN

 **Psyxis:** Well if you two are going to be kids, then you should at least be in the same room.

 **Abel:** yeah get out of ours so i can fuck abel

 **Queen Bitch:** Ew.

 **Abel:** at least he gets more action than you ever do

 **Deimos:** #Burned

 **Queen Bitch:** At least I don't kiss Cook's ass for praise like Abel does!

 **Abel:** I do not!

 **Abel:** I don't even want his praise! He always stares at me whenever he can. Didn't you see that tiny Navigator that looked like me that came out of his office with a hickey that one time?

 **Deimos:** What

 **Psyxis:** What.

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** What.

 **Abel:** he does what now

 **Abel:** co or no im going to slit his fucking throat brb

 **Abel:** CAIN NO

 **Pysxis:** I hate to interrupt, but I just saw the clock. It's dinnertime, and we should really all go eat, and then come back to discuss Cain murdering Commander Cook. And Phobos, didn't you want to talk to Ethos after lunch, earlier?

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Praxis, why would you betray me like that? I thought you loved me!

 _June 5th, 2016_

 _8:36 P.M._

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Phobos actually had a talk with me. Praxis, I'm not going to sleep with you tonight.

 **Abel:** you were going to fuck tonight wow pirate you really struck out

 **Psyxis:** By sleep with me he meant in the same bed. Don't you and Abel share a bed?

 **Abel:** well yeah but since you share with deimos i thought that youd be less handsy with him

 **Queen Bitch:** Let's not talk about this with other people, okay?

 **Queen Bitch:** Some of us actually have limits.

 **Abel:** Phobos, are you worried about someone?

 **Queen Bitch:** No. It's because I'm here, and reading over his shoulder, and I guess he doesn't want you guys discussing possible threesomes around me?

 **Abel:** and who the fuck are you

 **Queen Bitch:** …..Wow, Abel.

 **Abel:** Sorry! Cain's speaking though my tablet currently. Even though Deimos isn't in the room anymore. What Cain wants to know is, if you aren't Phobos, then who are you?

 **Abel:** Porthos, right?

 **Queen Bitch:** Yeah.

 **Queen Bitch:** And I'm guessing that Ethos is the one with the….the weird name.

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Um, no…?

 _The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise's nickname is now Ethos the kinky freak._

 **Ethos the kinky freak:** Deimos, I will end you.

 **Abel:** you mean youll get pirate ass to end deimos which is going to be hilarious to watch since deimos is most certainly going to win

 **Queen Bitch:** Okay, if I have the situation right, Ethos is sleeping with Praxis and Deimos, but separately.

 **Abel:** yeah but who knows what kind of shit they do together

 **Queen Bitch:**...And if Ethos wants to kill Deimos, then he can't sleep with Deimos anymore.

 **Selene:** Porthos, that's actually a smart observation. I thought you were all brawn and no brains.

 **Queen Bitch:** I'm going to take that as a compliment. One second. Phobos is kicking me off of his tablet.

 **Queen Bitch:** He was reading over my shoulder for about three seconds. Then he _sat_ on me and took my tablet.

 _Queen Bitch added Porthos to RIP CAIN._

 **Porthos:** Holy shit, is that the actual title of the chat?

 **Abel:** yes bc encke was going to skin me alive

 **Porthos:** And before I forget, why the fuck do you guys keep switching names

 _Porthos's nickname is now Pineapple-kun._

 **Pineapple-kun:** That is not funny

 **Pineapple-kun:** If one of you don't change it back

 **Abel:** youll what pineapple head

 **Abel:** come over and beat the shit out of me? have fun trying

 **Abel:** Please don't mind Cain, he just really wants to punch something. I told him to go use a punching bag or something, but sadjnslgjdfh

 **Abel:** even though youre all fucking pussies this thing is entertaining

 **Ethos the kinky freak:**...Thanks?

 **Psyxis:** I think that's the nicest thing Cain's ever said to me.

 **Abel:** the offer wasnt extended to you cyclops

 _Psyxis's nickname is now Cyclops._

 **Cyclops:** Deimos, change it back.

 **Deimos:** it wasnt me cyclops

 **Queen Bitch:** It wasn't me, either.

 **Ethos the kinky freak:** Um, it wasn't me.

 **Abel:** Hey, Selene came back! Well, earlier.

 **Selene:** No, this is Helios.

 **Cyclops:** Really?

 **Selene:** Of course not, it's me.

 **Abel:** So is everything alright with Helios?

 **Selene:** More or less, yes. He's still a little upset with Deimos, though.

 **Deimos:** is he with u rn

 **Selene:** Yes, but he's inside a blanket cave. Do you want me to give him his tablet?

 **Deimos:** sure

 _Selene has added BOI BEEN FUCKING to RIP CAIN._

 _Selene had changed the name to Welcome to Hell 2.0_

 _BOI BEEN FUCKING's nickname is now DIS DICK._

 **DIS DICK:** selene just chucked my tablet into my cave

 **DIS DICK:** he has betrayed me

 **Selene:** Considering the fact that you also took my blankets to make the cave, we're even now.

 **DIS DICK:** i let you sleep in the cave!

 **Queen Bitch:** You two need a room.

 **Selene:** Well he just forcibly pulled me into his cave with him. Does that count? I would think it does.

 **DIS DICK:** technically he moved rooms so suck it

 **DIS DICK:** cain if you said suck dis dick i will disembowl you

 **Abel:** i did

 **Abel:** fite me

 **DIS DICK:** meet me in the fucking pit

 **Queen Bitch:** What fucking pit? We don't have any pits on the ship, if you numbskulls haven't noticed.

 **Selene:** It's a metaphorical pit. Haven't you seen the internet recently? It's a meme. Even I know what memes are.

 **Queen Bitch:** I know what a meme is.

 **Queen Bitch:** But can you explain to me anyway?

 **Porthos:** Whats a meme?

 **Abel:** they dont know what a meme is holy fuck

 **Abel:** this is glorious

 **DIS DICK:** sweet shit on a stick

 **DIS DICK:** are you two living under a rock or something

 **Queen Bitch:** Coming from the guy cuddling with his s/o in a blanket cave.

 **DIS DICK:** i never said we were cuddling

 **Queen Bitch:** Okay well then you aren't, but you're the one under something.

 **DIS DICK:** no we totally are cuddling

 **DIS DICK:** and you were under porthos earlier

 **Deimos:** you just got burned

 **Abel:** I hate to break this up, but I think we need to sleep.

 **Selene:** You're going to stay up until God knows when, typing.

 **Abel:** its true

 **Abel:** Correction: everyone but me should go to sleep.


End file.
